Tip Zero. Pass on the Right.
Your feelings are the reason marketing departments exist
Nobody has ever closed a deal with a spec sheet. As any good salesman knows, emotional manipulation beats charts and graphs. Every time. When people ask for car buying advice, what they’re really after is validation. They want to feel like less of a prat for buying a Jeep Wrangler. Any commission-starved sycophant is only too happy to oblige such a customer.
Did you know that 87% of passenger vehicles have a 5-star safety rating as tested by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration? You actually have to try quite hard to find a car below this standard. Which begs the question: What kind of halfwit would choose such a conspicuously unsafe vehicle?
On an unrelated note, the Jeep Wrangler improved its safety rating to 4-stars in 2019.
Psychology is just Biology
People are not rational decision makers. Coming to this realization is a prerequisite to understanding human behavior. Our brains crave coherence. Hearing someone say “I liked the color” is not a socially acceptable answer that conveys intelligence in the car buying decision. People will construct a retrospective narrative to scaffold their impulsive decisions. Because of course it was the result of a deliberate logical process.
On cue, the good salesman offers this validation: You picked a handsome color. Dopamine release. And wow, he says we’re so forward-thinking on choosing the hybrid option! More dopamine. Why not add paint protection for our new vehicle? All the savvy customers do it. Dopamine - I want to be savvy - dopamine. And we must be so busy at our important job, think of the hassle we would save by prepaying for a maintenance plan and extended warranty! Wow, I have an important job! My parents must be proud of me!
Thus dopamine wins over data. I could present a carefully constructed argument that involves an amortization table. That has to compete with the warm fuzzies of proud parents. You don’t make many friends pulling the brakes on the dopamine train. That was the sound of Bubba signing an 8% car note on a new Jeep Wrangler.
They’re in the way (Ugh, traffic)
Do you realize these people get to vote? Worse still, they get to drive. If you think other people suck at driving, you are correct. Although not in the way you expect: 80% of people think they are better drivers than average. Ponder that numerical impossibility for a moment. Mandatory driverless vehicles cannot come soon enough.
It is apparent that nobody in America understands the concept of a passing lane. Given what we know about people’s feelings - “Nobody should drive faster than I’m comfortable with” - what is one to do? I suggest passing on the right**.** Not because this will lead to some great revolution in driver’s education - it won’t. It’s just mildly satisfying.
Lies, damned lies, and Santa Claus
But let’s return to Bubba - our intrepid protagonist who’s the proud owner of a brand-new lime-green Jeep Wrangler hybrid with an extended warranty. Gosh, I’m sure his parents are proud of him. You see, people can be dishonest with their friends, their family, their therapist, and even with themselves. But nobody has yet figured out how to lie to almighty Google.
After all, the only way to get what you want out of a search engine is to be explicitly honest with your query. If you’re too embarrassed to ask how to properly transplant a hydrangea, and instead Google the method of growing from seed, you’ll never master gardening. That sentence was not about gardening. Bubba would rather keep his search history private, thank you very much.
Yet for the sake of society - we lie. It starts with the little lies of Santa Claus, so children learn to believe. How else can they grow into adults who trust in the big lies of justice, mercy, and the value of money? The same money that only works in-so-far as there is a massive, coordinated social lie: everyone agrees to act as if it has value.
Know your worth - it might be less than you think
We’re not ready for a society with no concept of money. We measure everything from attorney fees to petrol to zygote development in dollars. Can you believe the cost of eating out these days? Which brings us back to Bubba, our waiter with the new Jeep Wrangler in the parking lot. His fake smile and impossibly cheery voice being calculated business decisions to entice the customer into ordering more drinks. He’s feverishly behind on tips because the Becky in the blouse with the top button undone seems to get all the attention.
Only in the most culinary bankrupt of establishments is the disingenuous flirtatiousness of the server adding value to my meal. I’d rather get my food on a conveyer belt. The most grotesque lie in America is that people tip for good service. If there is one practice that is universally repulsive to the rest of the world, it is the socially coerced 20%. Let’s kindly stop pretending that tipping is anything but discrimination against ugly people and bad weather.
Being Right vs Being Effective
There’s a prevailing philosophy in business that success requires compromise - that a skilled leader knows how to empathize with others to achieve a desired outcome. I say bollocks to that. The world is moving in a direction where being right is being effective. The ability to reliably predict the future means people are profits.
Is there another reason why 200,000 Jeep Wranglers are sold every year?